H and S are back to school and suddenly, I have a little bit of time to myself. Three days a week, there are a few hours in between mediating disagreements over various Disney song lyrics through breakfast and getting ready to go – and bracing myself for at least one full-blown meltdown if, when I pick them up, they happen to ask to go to Dunkin’ Donuts and I say, “No, not today.”
In spite of the over-emotional-ness Back to School (or Back to the Beach?) that locks me in a death grip every time I think about how quickly my babies are growing up, I’m determined to use the time to chase this boring-but-elusive dream of mine called balance.
Which, right now, looks like this:
9 AM: Walk the girls to their classroom.
9:15: Head back to school to drop off the sweatshirts I forgot to send the girls to school with. It’s actually cold today.
9:30 AM: Shop for new fall and winter jackets instead of going home for a run.
10:30 AM: Decide to look online first for options, sales and coupons. Think about loose ends to tie up for work (from home) hope to clean up the girls’ bedroom, the living room and the kitchen before pickup.
11:15 AM: Arrive home and alternate between eating lunch, doing some work and obsessing about whether or not I should have signed the girls up for soccer instead of swimming this fall, while I clean the toilet.
1:40: Head out to get the girls.
I apologize if I just made your head hurt, too.
I need to set my life up in a way that makes me feel successful – as a mother and a wife, and as a woman. The writer in me took to Pages recently to sort out exactly what this entails. A new document called, “Balance,” lists the four areas of my life that somehow, need to synchronize – even if only on alternating days. They read: Mom/Wife, Work, Personal and House Stuff. There is nothing in between the lines. Call it my worst case of writer’s block yet – or something else. Like, I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. Or, I can’t seem to channel my inner-Superwoman. (Maybe I scared her away.)
Here’s what I know: I’m grateful to have the flexibility to be home with my daughters and to work for my husband’s small business from home (with a status of part-time to irregular!) As the girls grow up, I’m spending more time doing communications work and writing, and I love it. I’m nervous and excited about how this will grow, and where it will lead me next. And, I exercise at a great studio with many inspiring, multi-tasking women. Since the girls were babies, my membership has helped me make fitness a priority and even a pleasure, not to mention it’s turned this painfully un-athletic girl into sort-of a runner.
There are so many things I want to do: many with my husband and kids, and some on my own. I keep To-Do lists. I appreciate organization. I’m getting lots help from iCalendar, Evernote and Things (for my Mac, iPhone AND iPad) and I have the motivation, damn it! But I’m spending more time trying to stop my head from spinning than making progress. And even worse, I’m worrying about trying not to worry, instead of enjoying little moments of peace and having faith that I’ll at least get to what’s most important.
Maybe I should add THAT to my To-Do list, and click on the little box to check it off. Yes. Done.
A Deep Breath and Baby Steps 